Foxy People

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Life, uh...finds a way.


At a much younger age, I had a good friend named Will. He was a cool guy, but he was kind of - to put it lightly - a pansy.

Will was just one of our four-, sometimes six-membered group. We were made up thusly:

Will
Sometimes Will's brother Joey
Angelo
Sometimes Angelo's brother James
Lloyd
T-Bone (They called me this because I was awesome)

Now, being young boys, our filters were not yet fully developed so we often did mean things to each other just to assert our primitive male dominance. Sometimes it went too far. But if you cried, you turned into a girl.

Guess who is still a boy?



Anyway, these frequently hurtful antics (which I would never take part in now, and I hope the same goes for them) included; things being stolen, randomly deciding to gang up on one of the others, fabricated laws of physics, purposefully excluding the younger brothers and then laughing too loudly from our big boy corner, etc.

Before I continue, I just want to clear up that my nickname wasn't T-Bone and that I wish it had been.

Around this time a movie called The Lost World: Jurassic Park came out. Inspired by the events of this film, I came up with a fantastical scheme that was sure to produce a girl or two.

Working alone, I had to set everything in motion. The prank was completely absurd, so it wasn't applicable to just anyone. I needed a pansy.

Again, I must stress that I am not this devious now. This story has been told quite a lot by my family because of the sheer audacity of my plot, so I decided to put it in my own words - hopefully to the enjoyment of you lovely, understanding people.

Will's younger brother, Joey, was almost comedically tougher than him. I decided to use him, too, figuring that a reputation of taking down the toughest kid in the group would earn me the long-awaited T-Bone title. I politely invited them both over for Lego's and popsicles. They had no idea.


As we sat quietly, slurping our dripping treats and creating our sticky little cities, my mind was racing faster than my Buzz-Lightyear light-up sneakers. I began the first step of my glorious inception.

I leaned in close and uttered the carefully chosen words of subtlety.

Me: You guys. I can see the future.

Joey sniffed. Will gaped, until he saw that his little brother was nonchalant, then he pretended to blow it off. On the surface, I'd failed. But I knew I had planted the seed. I smiled.

A few hours later, they had to go home. I offered to walk with them.

Once we'd hit the road, I stopped them both and sat in the middle of the road. I pulled out some old dice I'd found in the house.

Me: Remember how I said I could see the future?

Upon bringing it up again, Will seemed convinced. Joey just watched me patiently. I continued.

Me: These are future-seeing dice. You guys. If these land on five, dinosaurs are coming back. Big ones. The ones who eat only people. Connivores.

And that was that. The meat of my grandiose brainchild. I tried to look grave as I stared back at the brothers.

They didn't react so I began shaking the dice dramatically. This resulted in some discomfort from their end. Good.

I let fly the tools of destruction and was shortly alarmed to see that they'd landed on twelve.

This next part truthfully happened, we were this young and gullible.

I looked up and put on my best faux horror face. I pointed behind them.

Me: AHH!

As they turned, I quickly modified the results of my reading to correctly display dinosaurdeathtime. When they turned back around, I shrugged it off and then became overly aware of the dice.

I pointed.
I gasped.
I winced.



As soon as I had both of them doing the same, I loped back towards the house so they wouldn't see me laughing.

My tale was so horrifying - duh - that they followed me back inside. My mom, surprised to see our trembling guests, asked if everything was okay. They informed her that dinosaurs were back. After a heavy glare at me, she sat them both down and explained why they were wrong.

Mom: Have you ever SEEN a dinosaur?

Joey: I guess not.

Will's look of terror disallowed him to speak.

After a few minutes, Joey calmly realized he'd been had. He beckoned for Will to come home with him. Will's eyes shifted from Joey, to the door, to my mom, to what I assume was the comfort of my bedroom. He eventually opted to follow Joey.

I slid out the back door and prepped for my final strike against the Brothers Ironic. I positioned myself behind  a storage shed right next to my house. The boys would have to pass my camp to reach their house. I was ready.

Once I saw them exit the front door, I could hardly contain my giggles. To me, this was the most brilliant thing I'd ever come up with. I lifted my arms and waited for them to reach the perfect spot - just far enough from both safe havens that they may actually explode from over-stimulation.

As soon as they'd hit the mark, I began to slam my clenched fists against the thin metal shed, roaring madly - barely containing intense guffaws. I'm still not sure why I found this so funny. I'm sure it had more to do with how clever I thought I must be and less with human suffering. Man, I hope so.


The two boys split up perfectly. Joey bolted for his own home, while Will marched grimly - sure he would be eaten - towards my own abode. After a few more bangs of the shed and just another T-Rex screech, he evolved into a steady canter.

Several (probably painful) minutes later, my mom exited the house with a very paranoid Will in tow. They walked around the corner and out of sight.

And that is the story of me being the biggest jerk ever.

If you're still not convinced, he and Lloyd ended up stealing my bike a few days later.

3 comments:

  1. Hahahaha!! I love this! And I miss all you guys :(

    -Melonie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha yeah those were good times. Part of me wishes none of us had moved away.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This actually WAS the most brilliant thing you've ever come up with. I am so proud. :(
    I like how you called it a 'con'nivore. Seems appropriate somehow.
    If Will never takes his kids to the Museum of Natural History, it's on you Trey, it's on you. -Mom

    ReplyDelete

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